please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
