having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
