so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
