I swear she didn't look like that last week.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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