Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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