I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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