Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
