It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Randomize
