I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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