I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize