Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
