chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
