This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
