apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The air taste purple.
Randomize
