My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
