I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
