Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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