Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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