don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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