Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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