I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
