I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
