if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
