Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
it's great music for shaving your balls
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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