it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
