My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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