This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
