Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
