I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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