I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
