Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
