Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
