Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize