Are we in a gay sports bar?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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