I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
