I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
