I think I died a long time ago.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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