OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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