My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
