Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I hope mine doesn't look like that
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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