He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
