I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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