woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
