What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
