Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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