I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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