I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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