I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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