Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
