people are starting to question the shark bite story
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
