I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
