remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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