Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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