the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
it's like iHOP with fire
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
