If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
