my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize